I write about my dull jeepney rides just to give justification that commuting is fun and adventurous. Commuting in the Philippines is more than just a way of life. It’s all about survival. It’s not like the Hunger Games where you can kill your co-passengers but more like The Amazing Race where you battle obstacles just to get home. But sometimes you just really want to kill some people.
Battle of the Sexes
Once, I was riding a jeepney and a girl sat beside me and her long hair was flirting with my face. That wasn’t fun at all since I have an allergic rhinitis. My nose is starting to feel itchy as her hair strands continuously poke my nasal cavity. The only thing that made that jeepney ride adventurous was the scent of the Amazon River on her hair. I’ve tasted Aloe Vera, Wild Hibiscus and some dandruff, I guess.
There’s this mystery lingering on my mind: Why do girls sit diagonally when riding a jeepney? Are they trying to prove something? Or is this part of their evolution as females to prove that they need space? I remember my struggle when I was seated between two diagonally-seated girls. My goodness! Imagine the agony when the girl on my right hits my leg with her knee and the girl on my left hit my other leg with her pelvis. I don’t know how to position myself—should I sit diagonally to complement the situation or should I sit like a security guard? Security guards don’t sit. What a totally fucked up situation that is! Bring them to the outer space if they need more space!
Battle of the (Same) Sex
I don’t know if I’m a good-looking guy but most of the time, some homosexuals hit on me during jeepney rides. Or I guess my peripheral vision is just an assuming weirdo trying to think that I look like Richard Gere. Sort of. There was this time inside a dim jeepney when a gay dude stared at me for like ten minutes. Wow. My peripheral vision quit to becoming one and decided to become a blind spot. I also remember this incident where another gay dude is poking my foot with his foot. I don’t remember ordering a footjob! And that was not even satisfying. I don’t have anything against homosexuals but I’ve got a piece of advice for them: If you want to hit a guy, don’t hit them on a ride.
Battle of the Same Sex
I’m a slim guy and I don’t like it when during a jeepney ride, I’m squeezed between two well-built or fat guys. I remember this time when I felt like Bernardo Carpio trying to stop two clashing mountains. The guy on my left side is holding the hand rail with his right arm. The guy to my right is holding the hand rail with his left arm. Basically, on the other hand is another hand. So, between their biceps and shoulders is me. I cannot even move my body. I was claustrophobic at that time. I felt like a hotdog sandwich. They’re the buns, I’m the hotdog. Luckily, the guy on my left decided I’ve had enough and let me feel the gift of Space, Freedom and Human Understanding.
Here’s another mystery: During jeepney rides, males sit with their legs wide open. It’s so wide that you can see the brand of their zippers. What are they trying to prove? Are they trying to assert their manliness by saying that, “Appreciate my crotch! That’s where humankind originated!” Where we originated, it might be small and dirty. And gross. And really small. Yeah, small.